ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "blood drop"

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ตื่นขึ้นมา
พร้อมความรู้สึกแย่

ในหัวมีภาพสีหลากหลายสี ผสมปนเปกัน
จนแทบแยกไม่ออก ว่าตรงไหนคือสีอะไร

แต่มีสีหนึ่งที่เด่นชัดขึ้นมา

สีแดง . .

แดงเข้ม เหมือนกุหลาบที่เริ่มโรยรา
แดงเข้ม เหมือนสีของเลือด

ความคิดที่เคยสะเปะสะปะ จนจับทิศทางไม่ได้
เวลานี้กลับจดจ่อเพียงเรื่องเดียวได้

เลือด . . .


ในหัวมีภาพของหยดเลือด ที่หยดลงบนพื้น
หยดเลือดที่แตกกระจายเป็นวงที่พื้น
เป็นภาพที่สวยงามราวดอกไม้ที่กำลังเบ่งบาน


ความคิดที่ทำงานต่อเนื่องสั่งการว่า
การปล่อยให้เลือดไหลออกไปจากร่างกาย
อาจเป็นการปลดปล่อยตัวเราออกจากความรู้สึกแบบนี้ได้

เป็นการปลดปล่อยที่สวยงาม
ราวต้นไม้ที่กำลังจะผลิดอกเต็มพื้นห้องที่มืดมนแห่งนี้


ไม่รู้ว่าในมือมีคัตเตอร์อยู่ตั้งแต่เมื่อไหร่

และไม่รู้ว่าใบมีดนั้นจรดลงบนข้อมือตั้งแต่ตอนไหน


ท่ามกลางความคิดสีแดง
มีสติเล็กๆที่คอยล้างเลือดออกไปจากหัว
ด้วยคำว่า "อย่า"



แม้จะใกล้เคียงคำว่าแพ้ไปมากแล้วก็ตาม
แต่สุดท้ายสติยังคงชนะ


เหลือรอยกดจากใบมีดเป็นแผลเล็กๆที่ข้อมือ
เอาไว้เป็นอนุสรณ์แห่งชัยชนะ

ว่าอย่างน้อยมันก็เป็นเพียงรอยกด
ไม่ใช่รอยกรีด . . .



เมื่อเริ่มดึงสติกลับมาได้มากขึ้น
จึงรวบรวมของมีคมจากทั้งห้องไปฝากไว้ที่ทำงาน


ทุกครั้งที่มองเห็นรอยแผล
รอยแผลแห่งชัยชนะของสติ

แทนที่จะเกิดความรู้สึกภาคภูมิใจในชัยชนะ

กลับเป็นความรู้สึกผิด และความละอายขึ้นมา


เพิ่งเคยรู้สึกว่าชัยชนะมันแย่ก็ครั้งนี้ . . .





Edited by depression - 07 Jan 2016 at 17:07

Post Options Edit Diary   Quote depression Quote wrote: 07 Jan 2016 at 17:05



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diary : depression
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "Think Thing" [2/153]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "crow girl" [2/223]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "down & panic" [2/165]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "deep blue" [2/134]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "blood drop" [2/215]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "ในโลกใบใหญ่" [0/120]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "เพื่อน" [1/146]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "Triangle" [0/117]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "วัน(ไม่ได้)ทำงาน" [0/121]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "ก่อนเคาท์ดาวน์" [0/136]
ไดอารี่ซึมเศร้า "เมื่อลงแพ" [0/156]

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